I have had plans to blog for months and months. First there was going to be the blog about the night I was called in for a woman pregnant with twins where the first twin delivered normally, but the second twin was stuck sideways, and in order to save both mom and baby, I had to reach up into her uterus to turn the baby around to get him to come out the right way. I would have told you how terrified I was and how, in the end, by God's grace, mom and both babies did fine.
Then I was going to write a sensational story about the night I was doing an emergency C-section for fetal distress, and in the middle of sewing up the uterus and resuscitating the baby, the power in the operating room went out, making it pitch black and turning off the oxygen and the baby warmer, and we had to carry on under the guidance of flashlight until the generator was turned on. And again, God's hand was on all of us, and mom and baby were fine.
There might have been a blog about when we finally started doing thyroidectomies, or about when the architect came to visit and we made real-life plans for a brand new operating theatre + ICU. And there probably would have been something in there about my sweet cat Lloyd.
But life at Mukinge has been busy. And then I was traveling a lot. And then life got even busier with many in the missionary community going on furlough, having babies, and getting married, and many visitors coming and going from Mukinge. And then I started feeling unwell. And then things got worse...
Then I was going to write a sensational story about the night I was doing an emergency C-section for fetal distress, and in the middle of sewing up the uterus and resuscitating the baby, the power in the operating room went out, making it pitch black and turning off the oxygen and the baby warmer, and we had to carry on under the guidance of flashlight until the generator was turned on. And again, God's hand was on all of us, and mom and baby were fine.
There might have been a blog about when we finally started doing thyroidectomies, or about when the architect came to visit and we made real-life plans for a brand new operating theatre + ICU. And there probably would have been something in there about my sweet cat Lloyd.
But life at Mukinge has been busy. And then I was traveling a lot. And then life got even busier with many in the missionary community going on furlough, having babies, and getting married, and many visitors coming and going from Mukinge. And then I started feeling unwell. And then things got worse...
In a regular day at my surgical clinic at Mukinge, I will
see patients who come with a variety of chief complaints – hernias, hearing
loss, broken bones, a bean stuck in the ear, weird lumps and bumps they want
removed, tumors large and small. In the
Western World, “cancer” is a word that automatically evokes fear as it is
largely understood to be something bad, something serious, something associated
with long and painful treatment, something associated with dying. In rural
Zambia, the word “cancer” often has little or no meaning. In Kikaonde, there
isn’t even a word for cancer. Many of my patients have not heard it in English
before, they don’t understand its seriousness, and are therefore not scared by
it. I will frequently have to explain what a cancer is, what it does, and what
we can (or often, cannot) do to treat it. Even then, to my patients receiving a
new diagnosis of cancer, the word itself holds little meaning.
As a surgeon, I have spoken the word “cancer” countless
times. To my patients, to their loved ones, in academic discussions with my
colleagues, and in hearing the sad news of others. I have learned to speak
about cancer without emotion and without fear because, after all, like a broken
arm or a bean in the ear, it is a clinical problem that I am working to solve.
Even when it involves sharing difficult news with a patient or hearing of the
tragic diagnosis of a friend, it does not consume me, and rarely does it change
me.
This week, however, I have heard and spoken the word
“cancer” more times than I can recall. And all of them in regard to me.
When I left Mukinge just last week, I left with a host of non-specific
symptoms, all of which I had attributed to a lingering viral illness, as well
as with a lump where a lump shouldn’t be. I made the long journey home to
Indiana to see some doctors and undergo testing. As feared, the lump turned out
to be malignant. If that weren’t enough, there’s cancer on the other side too.
And it’s in the lymph nodes. And all the other symptoms – the fatigue, the
aches and pains in my legs and hips, the coughing and shortness of breath, the
weight loss over the past few weeks – those are likely to be from a cancer that
is making itself at home throughout my body.
One week ago, I was a missionary surgeon in Northwest Zambia. Today I am
a 34-year old woman with advanced breast cancer. The word “cancer” has become
very personal.
Life forever changed.
I don’t know what else to say to you at this point other
than that despite this devastating news and the myriad of emotions I’m feeling
as a result, I wholeheartedly believe that God is still in control, that He
loves me, and that He has a plan and a purpose for me that is for my good and
His glory. I have a lot of questions for the Lord that start with “WHY?!?” I am
grieving the loss (at least for now) of the life I loved and have spent most of
my life preparing for with great passion and purpose. Along with my family, I
am preparing for some difficult days ahead as I get ready for chemotherapy and
all its glamorous side effects.
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him..." ~Job 13:15
I am thankful for each of you, for your prayers, your
friendship, and your support. Thank you to the many of you who have been
praying for me and have sent encouraging emails in the last week. I’m sorry
that I haven’t replied to most of your emails. Know that I have read each one
and have been so blessed by your love and concern for me. Please keep sending
them – even if I don’t reply right away.
I also ask that you join me in praying for many things:
For my doctors as they make decisions about treatment and
for all those who will be involved in my medical care along the way.
For my family as they walk through this with me. Pray for
courage and endurance, and pray that they will draw near to the Lord. Pray that
we would grow closer to one another through this.
For my friends and missionary family at Mukinge as they
carry on minus one surgeon and as they also grieve alongside me
For me in the days ahead – scans and surgery this week,
then chemo for the next few months. Please join me in praying for complete and
total healing. Pray for my heart, that I will lean on God and trust in His
sovereign plan, that He will soothe the fear and sadness and, let’s face it,
the anger that I feel, and that He will give me the courage and the grace to
move forward. Pray that in all things, I will bring glory to God.
Standing with you, Sarah. Our mutual friend, Nikole A. shared your story. We will be lifting you up before the Father. Blessings, Linda
ReplyDeleteOh, Sarah, we are so awfully sorry to hear this. Grieving this cancer with you and your loved ones in Zambia and in the US. We will be praying for you from East Africa. Heather and Jason.
ReplyDeleteSarah.....i have no words other then to say we love you and we will be praying for you and your family.....you have gray faith
ReplyDeleteSarah, we are praying for you! We love and miss you.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Tiffany and I am a 2 1/2 year breast cancer survivor in Charlotte, NC. I was diagnosed when I was 25. Mary Anna Wingenroth posted your blog/newsletter about your diagnosis. I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.
I stumbled upon this today:
"Problems will disrupt our lives, but they cannot defeat us. Jesus has already overcome the world. To Him goes all the credit." Julie Akerman Link (passed away from cancer on April 10, 2015 - and her devotionals she wrote for "Our Daily Bread" continue to encourage)
There's no magic word(s) I can say to make any of this easier. But know that there's a whole group of young survivors praying for you in NC.
Hey Sarah, it's Earlisha!
ReplyDeleteGod's got you covered! The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. There is a plan for your life we just don't understand it yet! May god bless and keep you and your family! Love ya much, Earlisha (Cmc -surgery) ��
Hi Sarah! Just wanted you to know that I, as well as my church, are praying for you.
ReplyDelete(ps: Janet Hicks is my cousin)
Sarah we are praying for you.
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah
ReplyDeleteI'm an Aussie living in Indonesia with our org. You don't know me I don't know you but I'm completely moved reading your blog just now, sent by dr Joshua. I cannot fathom how you're feeling but as a 33 yr old myself despite my faith in a loving gracious all powerful God, I'm sure I'd be more than a bit overwhelmed. Be assured He is forming an army of prayer warriors around you. One day at a time. Love in Him.
Hi Sarah.... I received this update from Katherine. I am lifting you up in prayer. You are an amazing doctor -- one of the smart and dedicated ones from our class. I know that God has a reason for all this. I hope you find love and peace in him always.
ReplyDeleteYour fellow IUSM classmate
-Sarah
Sarah, I came across a blog of a woman who lived in Colorado Springs named Kara Tippetts. She had an excellent quote from a book called "A shelter in the time of storm" by Paul Tripp. It said:
ReplyDelete"Trust in God isn’t a thin hope in some not very sure outcome. Hope in God is rather a present investment in a future guarantee. What God says will be done. What God has promised will come to pass. His word is reliable because in his grace he wants to bless us, and in his power he has the ability to do anything he has promised to do. When you live with his promises in view, you live with confidence, courage, and unshakable hope."
Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.
Keri (Crews) Montgomery
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts. I know you are in good hands but if you have any questions please do not hesitate to contact me.
Love to you and yours,
David Hedrick
Though we don't know each other, as someone who has survived cancer thus far, your blog is very moving. A mission such as that you were on gives you greater purpose and meaning than most experience, and this blog only expands that effect. Chemo scared me horribly, but the effect was worth it, and trying out short hair styles via wigs as well as Star Trek baldness was kind of fun. Don't despair. Keep up your blog - your candid style is rare and touching. It might reach even more patients than you're used to helping - I'm one!
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah. You don't know me but I'm Dee and I used to live in your Mukinge house before you. I am so saddened to hear of your life's turn of events and will pray for everything you ask prayer for. I'll hold firm believing that one day we'll meet in fellowship and joy at Mukinge. Love to you and your family, Dee
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah. My sister Cathy at SIM sent me your site and said you were praying for my daughter Karen Whiting, I will be praying for a complete cure for both of you. One thing I am sure of is that God will use the outcome of your's and Karen's cancer for His glory. He is a great God. Love to you and your family, PJ Loss
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah
ReplyDeleteI was just waking up a few days ago, reading a few verses in my Bible on my iPhone and checking my mailbox, when I got Joshua's mail and the link to your blog. Having read it I just had to cry.
We don't know each other, we never met, but your story got very close. We are a swiss family getting ready for our service at CEML hospital in Lubango, Angola, where we will be working together with Steve Foster, whose dad founded Mukinge. My wife being a gynecologist and myself a medical oncologist we meet many women with breast cancer. But when the patient is a colleague and a SIM sister it gets much closer. It is difficult to find the right words, but I like this quote by the french writer Paul Claudel:
"God has not come to take suffering away, he hasn't even come to explain it, he has come to fill it with His presence"
May you experience God's presence and comfort in these days.
In prayer with you
Ralph
Praying for you!! I live in Lusaka as a missionary. Blessings!!
ReplyDeleteI am a career missionary doc, serving at Nazarene Hospital in Papua New Guinea. I have worked with many SP post-resident docs through the years. Please know that my wife and I will be praying for you. Thank you for your open blog post, and your clear testimony.
ReplyDeleteSarah,
ReplyDeleteI came across this blog randomly from a friend sharing it on Facebook. You are doing amazing things with your life! I will be praying for you and your family as you face this.
Dear Sarah,
ReplyDeleteYou can be sure we'll be praying for your complete recovery at IU CMA. I hope you'll be encouraged by what God is doing at IUSM. You're an important part of that!
Sarah, I found your blog through a fellow AU grad. Your life & work are incredible, as is your faith in our God. You will be in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah, You don't know me, but my friend shared your beautiful blog post. You will be in my prayers. Thank you for all you do.
ReplyDeleteSarah, you don't know me either, but . . . I work with Jennifer Blank who shared your story, then your blog post with me. You are in my prayers and that of my church. Early in his career, our senior pastor served as a missionary in Zambia and speaks of the experience often. Like you, he remains inspired by the land and its people. Draw strength from them now as you face this journey. As a cancer survivor (I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer at age 24), I know it is a journey, one that is unique to you. Despite all you know as a doctor about your disease, you are not a statistic - stay strong and fight! You have more work to do and amazing gifts to give to the world - from Indiana to Zambia! Prayers of healing for you and your family. Mary
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